Sometimes,
When I feel like I’m all alone in this room that once felt small
I feel it.
That feeling of loneliness
Mixed with sadness.
It’s not hard to see what you meant to me with my feelings exposed
Like the empty space where you used to lay.
You know, you never were very loud
More the strong silent type.
But in this big empty room this
Silence.
Without you here is too loud because all I hear
Are the sounds of my tears and my heart as it aches
For MY
Strong silent one.
Please mark your ethnicity by placing a check mark in the box.
It’s as easy as a simple check mark
Or so they say.
One or the other.
You know who you are; don’t you?
But what about when your life goes against the grain.
When you check two instead of one.
Because you aren’t simple
You don’t fit into only one box.
So what do you check? How do you choose?
I’m starting to realize that I don’t want to choose
To pick one or the other
To fit into one of their boxes.
And while this may bring more questions than answers
This is one question I know the answer to.
I check unique.
I check blue eyes.
I check curly hair.
I am biracial.
Your success inspires me.
Even after all these years I still remember
The times we would sit
I, your lil’ sis, and you, my big bro.
It’s amazing how your life has come together.
I see the happiness in your eyes.
This is what you are supposed to do in life.
And yet,
It brings tears to my eyes.
See the pride I have in you makes me realize
That I am just a tad lost in my life
Searching for my right.
The happiness in my eyes.
Security. When we are young it was a stuffed animal or a blanket; either way it would go everywhere you went. Leaving the house without it was not an option and sleeping at night was a little less scary with it next to you. As you grow up you begin to leave them at home more and you sleep alone, you outgrow them. As you learn to rely more on yourself for that sense of security your blanket and stuffed animal are left behind. Or so it would seem.
After talking to my mom I realized that you never really stop having a use for things that give you a sense of safety and security. Rather, you simply trade a blanket and stuffed animal for other things – friends, school, work, et cetera. Each of these aspects of your life provide you with a sense of self, of accomplishment, and that security that was once filled with a loved object.
What do you do when your grown-up blankie is no longer there though? When you suddenly look around and realize that you have left the house without your stuffed animal? Maybe it’s in the wash, or you are simply “geting too old” for it; whatever the reasoning, it’s gone and you are on your own now.
With my family spread out all over the place, my schooling coming to an end, and my relationship over I’ve realized that I have left the house without my blankie. The things I once relied on for my identity and my security system have shifted. It has left me confused and questioning everything. What do you do when this happens? Right now I’m not exactly sure what the answer to this question is, only time will tell.
One. Two. Three.
That’s not sheep I’m counting.
It’s the worry in my mind.
Four. Five. Six.
Is this it?
Seven. Eight.
I can’t seem to get it straight.
Like,
What’s Next?
And,
Who’s my friend?
Nine. Ten.
As I get ready for bed.
Sleep.
And for a moment…
One.
Two.
Three.
Photo Credit: CurlyCuriosity
When I am at the ocean it’s as if everything stops. My thoughts can be released and my mind put at ease. It’s just the power of the sea. Even looking at it in pictures can clear my mind, on late nights when I’m far away and need some relief. These are my thoughts:
Sometimes, when it’s late at night, and I’m home alone I start to think. I think about the good times; the laughs and the smiles shared and I think about the joy. But one cannot think about one without the other, and the good leads to the bad – the tears and the the feelings of being broken. It’s hard to comprehend that even after this time I can’t hate you. I don’t miss you, i miss it – the joy, the understanding, the beginnings of love.
My hand told my heart, let love grow
But my heart told my head, this time no
This time no.
– Mumford and Sons
Explosions – that’s the tile of the song by Ellie Goulding that has inspired this post (well at least in part).
I’ve realized something and I figured I would write about it. I don’t think many (if any) people actually read this blog, but there is something to be said about being able to put your words down on paper, a blog, anything – so they aren’t stuck in your head but rather hold a more concrete place in the world. Personally it allows me to get these thoughts out of my over-thinking head so that I can focus on other things. So here it goes.
As I have made very clear since starting this blog is that I’m kinda going through a transition period full of lots of change, mini life lessons, and various realizations. All of this is still the case. While I enjoy this whole growing experience there are a lot of times when it just plain sucks. Like today I realized that while I think I have made all this progress in the last couple months – being more optimistic, changing my focus and looking to the future, and trying to spend time with the people in my life I value the most. Regardless, life has this funny way of creeping up on you without really realizing it. For me, it does this through my overactive brain. It never stops thinking, analyzing and creating a series of scenarios and solutions to everything. It’s so much fun! (Yeah right!) Look it’s doing it again…I’m very off topic here.
Anyway, what I think I realized is that people can surprise you. They can suddenly show up, or suddenly really suck, either way they are unpredictable. For this reason you really have to be ok with yourself. I’m not saying anyone is going to be alone or anything like that but knowing that you are enough for yourself is the key. I don’t want this post to be really negative so I’m just gonna say this: don’t let other people make you feel any less about yourself and have that kind of control over YOUR life. Easier said then done, I know (I’m dealing with this as well).
Without going into more detail (I try to give this blog some objectivity) I will end with a quote from “Explosions” and a lyric video of the song.
“Explosions…on the day you wake up/ Needing somebody and you’ve learned/ It’s okay to be afraid/ But it will never be the same/ It will never be the same”
I hope this helps.
xoxo
“Something has changed within me/ Something is not the same/ I’m through with playing by the rules/ Of someone else’s game”
Someone posted a pic of Wicked this morning and I just had to listen to listen to a few of my favourite tracks. Probably one of the most popular songs of the musical, these lyrics are definitely inspiring. Just a little something to think about as we head into the weekend.
Happy Friday everyone!
xoxo
Source: Defying Gravity – Wicked (Musical)
Every now and then you turn your music on and the perfect song comes on. It gives you that extra something as you walk along, gets your ready for a night out, or gives you the answer to that question at the back of your mind. Music is always there for you. So tonight I thought I would share a song that I love to listen to. Enjoy!
xoxo
Curly Curiosity 